(Preface: I have no intention of making my blog completely about my pain or anger. But I’m still healing and writing helps me, so I know this won’t be the last of the words I wish I could say to him, but it will NOT be the overall theme of my life and my blog.)
I was listening to a song and one of the lyrics refers to looking up into someone’s “cold, jaded eyes” and ends with “I will always be here, for the rest of my life.” Those words spoke to me, resonated beneath the surface and bubbled up into a realization. I realized that unless you changed, and I know you wouldn’t, that you would always see me the same way, *I* would never change in your eyes, no matter what I did, no matter how I “improved,” because you would always find a reason to keep me down, beneath you. You would always believe that, unless I was doing what you had done, were doing, or believed to be the “right way” to do it, then I would always be at fault, be stubborn, be purposely ignorant and willfully defiant, and would always fail.
You couldn’t, and wouldn’t support me because you believed I had nothing worthy to support. You decided for yourself and for me that what I was and what I was striving for wasn’t good enough, unless it was something YOU had orchestrated and I had followed your directions meticulously. Our relationship was doomed to fail from the beginning because any support and respect you were willing to give me came with conditions. And those conditions were subject to change without notice or grace period.
You encapsulated me as a product of only failures, low confidence, and an enabling support group. You used my weaknesses against me; knowing how I got rattled when put on the spot, you deemed me “nothing special” because I couldn’t give you specific examples of why I considered myself a person worthy of your respect. Nevermind that you could have chosen to think of examples yourself to redeem me in your eyes, instead you chose to focus on anything and everything that I lacked and that you wished to change about me.
It didn’t matter what I said then and it doesn’t matter what I say now. Your mind is made up. You saw me exactly how you wanted to see me and you always will. And I am not unique in that aspect. I saw you focus on flaws, physical or characteristic, of nearly every single person you knew, met, or encountered. Very few escaped your disdain. I am sure you have an argument for why your attitude is justified, and I am quite sure it’s just an excuse to continue to discount others and remain superior in your summation of your self and your life choices. There is nothing I can do to shift that, it’s something that YOU either change or you don’t. But whatever you choose to do, it’s too late for US, so my job now is to stop giving a shit and work on knowing that I am *not* the person you made me out to be. You were intent on misunderstanding me. I am intent on the opposite.