Keep fucking going

The pain stalks me in my sleep. You think sleep will be an escape, but instead what you’re trying to get away from is just waiting for you to fall into a place where you can’t run. “You’re going to feel this whether you’re ready or not, whether you like this or don’t, this is happening, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Maybe that’s the hardest part. The non-consensual relinquish of control over my emotions. My brain just does what it wants. I am literally at war with my own self. Neither “side” is truly winning at the moment, but both sides, at one time or another, has boasted a small battle victory.

So I need to rebuild and recharge my army. I have to accept there will be losses, casualties, collateral damage. But in order to win, all those things must be kept to a minimum. There has to be something left to save, something to celebrate, or the constant fighting will have been for naught.

“However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.” -Stephen Hawking

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