It was after my divorce that I found myself interested in dating younger men. I think initially I was just searching for anyone that was unlike my ex-husband. Even though he was only three years my senior, in many ways he acted much older. Though, to be fair, there were plenty of instances he acted younger as well. But it wasn’t those younger, more playful thoughts and actions of his that turned me off from him, rather, it was the times that he would talk and act as if death was just around the corner for him. He said all the time he wouldn’t live that long because of his disease (Type 1 diabetes), and sadly, it turned out he was right, as he died in April this year, alone in his apartment on or before his 45th birthday. But that is another story for another time.
I had fallen out of love with my husband a few years before our split. He was somewhat apathetic about life in general, and even more so about trying anything new. He would come home from work and spend hours on his computer, playing casino games, or baseball games, and showed little to no interest in anything I found exciting, but that is not to say he wouldn’t go along with some of my suggestions, just to appease me. If I’m being honest, he was very supportive of me and anything *I* wanted to do. The problem was, I wanted my husband to be my partner, and my husband only wanted to be a spectator.
There were several other issues as well, of course. His severe lack of confidence which resulted in him not wanting to try anything new, EVER, especially if there might be an audience, which included me.
You know, I could go on for so long about what went right, what went wrong with us, but that’s not the purpose of this blog post, so let me try to wrap this ex-husband part up. I fell out of love with him but stayed in the marriage because I thought we could recapture what made us fall for each other to begin with and also because he was such a “good guy” to me. We rarely fought, especially in the first 3 or 4 years together, I swear I don’t know if we EVER fought. So I could not bring myself to hurt him and leave him, as much as I had wanted to at that point, after all, I still had much love for him, but definitely was no longer IN love with him. *rolls eyes* I know, I know. So cliche.
Despite being so unhappy with him, when he came home from work that one night and told me he had been paying for prostitutes during our marriage, I was devastated. Shocked, blind with rage, and indescribably heartbroken. I thought what I felt inside me would literally kill me. I can still vividly remember that pain and fear of dying that I felt for several nights following that one, after I screamed at him to get his shit and get the fuck out.
I’m grateful that I had fallen out of love with him well before I found out about his indiscretions. The pain was incredible in the beginning, but faded relatively quickly into relief and then, I’m not even kidding, serenity and blissfulness. Freedom! Justified freedom.
*Jesus, Kari, get to the point, this is supposed to be about dating younger men!*
Okay, so I found myself attracted to younger men and found there are many younger men who are attracted to older women. Every time I encountered this I would ask him “What do you like about older women?” Pretty much every single one of them said, “Older woman know what they want.” Read into that as you will, not to mention there are a million fucking articles out there about why younger men like older women.
So what do older women find so enticing about younger men? Well, to be honest, I don’t really personally know any older women who pursue younger men. I only know what I like about those lil’ whippersnapers! Ew…I was trying to be funny, but that came out creepy as hell.
But this is what I’ve found attracts *me* to younger men. And just for the record, I’m not ONLY attracted to younger. But it’s the attraction to younger men that gets the most attention and ribbing from my friends, and why they’ve jokingly (or are they serious?) referred to me as a “cougar.”
So here’s the deal. It mainly comes down to 2 categories. (please note, I am speaking in general terms here, this is not all inclusive of what I find attractive or doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to any man who does NOT possess the following, NOR am I implying that ALL young men have these qualities and their older counterparts do not)
#1. Physically/aesthetically pleasing — Yes, the young, cute as fuck face (with or without a beard), athletic, tight skin, full head of hair (my ex-husband was bald), perky asses, etc. is a HUGE turn on for me. Their vitality just radiates off of them.
#2. Their positive, more open attitude/outlook on life and things in general– They are open to anything! Their minds are not closed, they are more open to other opinions and suggestions beside their own, and for the most part, just seem happier in general than older men. They are also open to anything sexually. If I asked one of these guys if I could dress his dick in army fatigues made for a G.I. Joe doll and have it bark orders at my cha-cha, he would probably do it! He might laugh at first. Maybe a, “What the fuck?! Are you serious?” But then he’d do it! (Btw, if anyone tries the G.I. Joe dick thing, you HAVE to tell me how it played out!)
Now, I will say, despite all the fun, it does seem harder (at least for me) to find a younger man who wants a long term relationship. By long term, I mean lifetime, because I am NOT a fan of heartbreak and really don’t want to get into a relationship that I know has an end in the near-ish future.
If you’re a friend of mine or you’ve read my previous blog posts, you know that I recently called it quits on my 9 month relationship with my younger (now ex) boyfriend. For many reasons, but it basically it came down to the fact that he was not good to me (after the first couple months), nor for me.
A young, and incredibly hot, I might add, (I’m talking great body and face of a goddamn model) and respectful man has come back into my life after the breakup. For sake of anonymity, I will call him David. David and I did not see each other AT ALL during my relationship with my ex as I am a very committed and loyal woman in relationships and felt that even casual conversation with ex-lovers is inappropriate in, and even damaging to, an existing relationship with someone. Even before I became involved with my ex, David and I did not date. We communicated mainly on Snapchat and saw each other on average once every 6 weeks or so, sometimes less, sometimes more. David is now 24 or 25, as I believe he was 22 when we first met, and we have not seen each other in probably close to a year. He has not asked or pressured me in any way (and I so highly appreciate that) to be with him physically, but I offered up to him anyway that I am not ready for that just yet. Even though he is hot as hell and waaay out of my league, I still have a lot of healing and self-focus to work on before I can be comfortable with the physical closeness of another man at the moment.
Shortly after the break up, I downloaded Tinder (which is where I met my ex-boyfriend, and David too) and a couple other dating apps, but never went out with anybody because I just wasn’t ready and my heart certainly wasn’t in it, even just talking to anyone. It was way too soon and I was still hurting a lot. So I deleted the apps and turned the focus on me. And when the time is right for me and I’m feeling better about myself and my strength and my priorities, I’ll probably download them again. And despite my recent failed relationship with my 28 year old boyfriend, I’m still not averse to pursuing something lasting with a younger man. That attraction to younger men is still there, I just have to be a lot more careful and honest with myself about who I choose to commit to and what they’re looking for with/from me.
But if you’re older than 35 and you’re interested in dating younger, I say go for it. Give ’em a spin! Take him out for a test drive, see what he and you are capable of. I’m telling you, it’s going to be fun and one hell of a ride!