And Then You Were Gone

I tell my best friend, “He deserves someone better than me.” And he does. Is it because I think so highly of him, or so little of me as of late? I can’t honestly tell. But if I had to guess, I’d say the former is closer to the truth.

My entire face is swollen from crying.

I’ve finally said goodbye. “If not now, then when?” I ask him. He agrees.

Besides the health and happiness and longevity of my daughters and dearest friends and family, there’s literally nothing else I wish for than to be his.

I’m a feminist. Yet I want to be OWNED by him in a mental, and also sexual sense. I want to belong to him. I want him to feel protective and possessive of me.

“I’m afraid I’m always going to think of you as ‘the one’,” I tell him. It’s a real fear. It might end up being a needless and irrational fear, but right now it is very real and I have little reason to believe any differently at the moment.

Will he think there is someone else? There isn’t. Will he think I just don’t care as much? I still do. Will he think, as I know I would had he said the same words to me, that there was something he did or said to make me come to this decision right now? There wasn’t. He didn’t do anything.

It’s been in the works for a while now. I even blogged about it once. We knew it was coming. We knew one of us had to say it. I’m glad it was me. Because it was hard as hell for me to do it, but I know that coming from him, I would have taken it as a rejection and it would have fucked me up even worse than this is doing to me.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit!! Is that how HE feels now?! That I rejected him?! Oh please, oh please, don’t let that be! He is much stronger than me, much more practical.

He HAS to know it’s nothing he did or didn’t say or do. He HAS to know it’s not because my feelings for him have changed. He HAS to know there isn’t anyone else. Right?

I want to text him so bad, to reassure him. But it wouldn’t be for him, and I know that. It would just be a reason for me text him. Because that’s really what I want. To talk to him. To feel that we’re still connected.

I don’t want this. I don’t want this at all. I want to take it all back and pretend like it never happened. I’m not ready. Not even close. But would I ever be?

“If not now, then when?”

I want him to say, “Never.”

He doesn’t.

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