Reminder to self: Express your gratitude, you selfish cunt!

Let me tell ya…I have the best support system I could ever ask for. I have friends and family that are constantly telling me they love me, they will do whatever I ask, they are here for me and they WILL show me. They check in on me consistently, ask me how I’m doing, ask me if I need anything. They show up to my house with gifts to cheer me up, get me through, or for no particular reason at all except to just say they were thinking about me. And the thing is, they do all of this unprompted, without me ever asking them to. The are just. THERE.

How on earth did I get so goddamned lucky? I ask myself all the time if I’m really deserving of such people in my life. Do they know how much I appreciate them? Do I show it enough that they have no doubt the level of my gratitude? Am I reciprocal of their attention?

I’m worried I’ll never be able to repay them for their loyalty, their generosity, their thoughtfulness. It is something I need to work on. Not just accepting their love, but returning it to the point that I’m confident they know and FEEL that they mean just as much to me as I seem to mean to them.

So that’s what I’m setting out to do. For me it can’t just be a little “hey, remember to do this” that I put inside my brain. I will literally have to visually remind myself. I will have to actually schedule it into my personal calendar because it’s not something I’m good at and it’s not something I can trust myself to carry out otherwise. But they have to know. They have to know how much I value and cherish them. They have to know how much their kind words and gestures mean to someone. They have to know that they are just as deserving to receive for themselves what they give to others. And if I have to dedicate specific times and dates to reflect, acknowledge, and return what has been shown and given to me by my circle, then that’s what I’m going to do!

Alright, where’d I put my fucking calendar? ……..

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